I'm lost!!

I hate this feeling that I've been having today! I had to move back home for the summer and it's so hard because I miss my roommates a lot and all of my friends. It's hard being back here, I'm so less occupied which means I've been thinking a whole lot about things. Especially someone. I keep thinking about the talk we had on Friday, which, by the way went really well. I felt something special between us and it's hard because I'm not sure if he feels the same way. I know that we don't know where God will take us, but why am I feeling these intense feelings towards him? I thought I had everything figured out and then something happens and I'm forced to think otherwise. This time is going to be good for us to figure out things for ourselves, but it's hard because I miss a ton of things about him. I'm just not sure if he feels the same connection with me as I do with him.

I went for a bike ride today. It was just what I needed (even though I'm not supposed to be bike riding)! I rode down to the beach and just enjoyed the beauty of the world. It was intense! I was at the top of the last hill before you can see the beach, and I just flew down the hill while listening to some sweet Jesus tunes! Plus, the sun was starting to get low so it was a really sweet God moment :)

...And then I white girl rapped my way home to "Go Getta" by Young Jeezy. haha.

I'm definitely being tested on how much I trust God with my life right now. It sucks but it's awesome.

"What a wonderful maker, what a wonderful savior. How majestic Your whispers, what a wonderful God" Jeremy Camp- Wonderful Maker

Who knows?

I could stay up all night thinking about everything. I have so much on my mind and I feel like I just need to stay up and think and pray and process everything that has happened. Like what am I going to do this summer? Should I go to Texas, should I stay here? Which decision will help me grow, which decision is the right one? I had a plan, a good plan for the summer and now that the plan isn't there what do I do? Haha obviously I have a lot of questions. It'll be okay.

My nephew said my name today on the phone. It was the best part of my day :)

This song has been on my mind lately-
"I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Oh no You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no You never let go with every high and every low." You Never Let Go- Matt Redman

Wow.

Well, the past few days have been quite dramatic. Joe and I aren't together anymore which is confusing, sad, stressful, and really hard to deal with especially with finals coming up. I haven't been able to focus at all and studying for finals hasn't really happened at all yet. I am really stressed out! I learned a lot about myself in the past few days though. I learned that I can count on God for my strength and that he can provide me with peace. I also learned that family and friends are one of the most important things in this world. My friends and family have been so supportive and helpful the past few days.

However it is really hard to know where God is going with this one. I feel so confused because what I thought we had was really great. I prayed about our relationship a lot, my friends and my grandma prayed for us. Personally, I thought everything was just as it should be except the fact that we were both stressed out with school. I'm just trying so hard to trust God and to put all my faith into Him because He knows the plans for me. Everything will all work out, it always does, it's just at this moment I feel like I am supposed to be with Joe but maybe it isn't the right time. All I can do now is just pray, pray, pray...

"There is hope for the helpless, a place for the weary, and love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. He'll meet you where ever you are, cry out to Jesus." Third Day- Cry Out to Jesus

Holy Week

That was one amazing Holy Week service. Very intense. Very moving. I'm soaking everything in.

"How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom"

Too good!

I was going to go to bed, but then I remembered how great of a night I just had. How could I forget! For the past week, I've been struggling with not feeling good enough with my grades and feeling stupid. I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough to get into PT school. MY plan for MY life is I go to PT school (at Grand Valley) and then get my license and heal people. I want to be able to help people out by mission work eventually as well. However since my grades aren't up to par, I feel like I won't be able to do any of that. Then today happened. I had a meeting with my advisor and he made me feel like I'm not stupid for retaking a class. Also, tonight at Young Life, Jen talked about how we can glorify God in many different ways through what we plan to do with our lives. She used the story in Genesis 24 about Abraham following God's will to find Isaac a wife. He went out in search for Isaac and prayed to God that He would show him Isaac's wife. God answered his prayers. When the servant of Abraham went to meet Rebekah's family, he insisted on glorifying God before they ate. The servant obeyed God's will, followed it, and glorified Him.

It's okay to not know what we are going to do with our lives because God has a plan for us. He is going to use us in ways that we may or may not know to glorify Him. I thought that was really sweet! I think that we're supposed to be clueless sometimes with what to do with our lives. We can feel lost but God will direct us within time. GOD IS GOOD!

"Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord, saying, 'Praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master's relatives.'" Genesis 24:26-7

Crazy Busy!

Well I'm bad at keeping up with journaling. Things have been SO busy lately. I have been so overwhelmed! I keep praying for strength and for the ability to make it through the rest of this school year, which I have so far, but it's hard. I've been letting my emotions get the best of me. I'm struggling with some of my classes. However, I've been studying a LOT more so hopefully I'll have a huge improvement especially with my Physiology class. Our last exam before the final is Friday and I NEED to do good on it. I dug myself in a huge ditch this semester but I learned from my mistakes and I learned how to study more efficiently. I guess that is a good thing!

Things with my faith have been really good for the most part! I might be having some small issues on letting go of my relationships but I've come a long ways. I know that no matter what happens with any relationship, it is for the better and something good will always come out of it. I had a few issues with last week being so stressful and a certain relationship. I felt very distant and that was hard to get used to. We were both so stressed out that it was hard to focus on our relationship. I began to question things and freak out because of the stress and I don't think I put enough trust in Joe. I trust him a lot but he deserves and WILL get more of my trust.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to god. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7